An Ode to You While I Am Listening to Joni Mitchell and Watching “Milk” at 3am

Could you sit with me as I drift away?
My journey begins the same as every spark lit in the darkness.
Could you sit with me and begin to feel?
Your incautious advance gives way to my end.

Whisper light into the darkest reaches of my mind.
The path ensnared by ages of unwanted platitudes.
Whisper light into my weary heart.
Reflections of my discomposing joy illuminate your embrace.

Sing to me a song of contentment.
Bathe me in words deeper than the sea.
Sing to me a song of compassion.
Caress my soul with jarring comfort.

I ask not what I desire through touch, sound or sight.
My sight is set on unknown warmth.
I ask not what you desire through tears, pleas or hope.
Just give me your hand so that we may encounter tomorrow.

What Have You Done Today to Make You Feel Proud?

The time is here once again to put on copious amounts of sunscreen and join the throng of the LGBT community and its heterosexual supporters for a weekend of celebrating what makes us proud. June is commonly referred to as “Gay Pride Month,” and cities across the United States and the world hold festivals full of overwhelming amounts of acceptance, tolerance, music, dancing and other activities rooted in debauchery.

I am deeply saddened by the fact that I am not able to attend my “local” Pridefest in New York City, which is taking place this weekend. Already, I have seen pictures and videos from friends on the front lines in various states of celebration. Although I may have to enjoy the festivities vicariously through them, I feel it necessary take some time to express what makes me “proud.”

First and foremost, I am proud to be part of a community so resilient against disparaging remarks and actions, and so resolute in the fight for equality. A large victory was just won in New York State on Friday, when a bill was passed granting the ability for LGBT couples to be legally married. The amount of people who added their voice, time and tears to this specific cause are innumerable, and this victory has proven that the power truly is in the people. I am proud to be a New Yorker.

A point of personal pride is how far I have come in truly believing that there is nothing wrong with me. As a child I knew I was different. I would see how the other boys were so happy to play games in which the outcome was almost always a form of pain, and I would not want any part of it. I found joy and happiness through creativity, be it drawing, singing, dancing, or putting on my parents’ clothes and pretending to be someone I hoped to be one day. These were not activities that boys were meant to engage in, especially in my small community in rural Ohio. I am eternally grateful that my parents never told me that I was wrong. In fact, they encouraged me to be creative, even when my creativity led to putting on my grandmother’s pumps, carrying her umbrella around and pretending to be Mary Poppins.

Once I graduated high school and moved out into the “real” world, as I felt back then, I was overwhelmed with how many other men and women I met that had felt the exact same way, or something resembling it, as child. Yet even with the confirmation that I was not alone after all, there was still something in my mind that told me a part of what made me me was wrong. I knew what it was, but I did not want to deal with it. It was an all-encompassing fear that God himself hated me and would be sending me to burn for all eternity when I died.

The community I grew up in was as deeply rooted in Christianity as it was in farming. God created the world and all things in it in seven days, sent his only son to live with a virgin and doting husband only to grow up and die for the sins of mankind. There were also all of the rules in the Bible about what was pleasing to God and what was pure evil and disappointing to God. I had always been told that being a homosexual was on the list of disappointments. In fact, it was not merely disappointing, it made God mad; mad enough to send all those found guilty of leading such a lifestyle to burn in a lake of fire. I did not even like taking hot showers, so I was certainly not looking forward to the fire part.

Luckily, through all of the rhetoric spewed at me by fearmongers, something else made it through. Love. I knew that a God who created things like music, art, dance, sunshine, flowers, laughter and ice cream could not be so heartless. I remember listening to sermons about how much God loved all of his creations, including me. I did not see room in my life for a God that loves me with such intensity to be so quick to allow me to burn in eternal damnation. No, no, I knew that God loved me and he would put people in my life that would illustrate that beautifully. Although it has not been until this year, some nine years later, that I have truly believed that.

Whoa, do you remember when this post began with a distinct topic? Okay, great. I am glad that one of us does.

I would like to summarize my ramblings thusly: in the end, love will always win.

My name is Joseph Michael Kuba and many things am I, but for today, above all things, I am proud.

Silver Linings Are Worth Their Weight In Gold?

Hello! I am reporting live from Serious Coffee, my favorite caffeine spot in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. The end of another cruise has arrived and it will soon be time to start all over with a new set of passengers.

For those of you that may not know, I am spending my summer in Alaska aboard the ms Amsterdam. This is my second contract in Alaska and not much has changed up here. Each port has its own unique feeling, yet they all have a certain amount of rugged, outdoorsy energy. As I spend more time here, it becomes abundantly clear that Sarah Palin could not be from anywhere else. Hence the reason that I do not wish to spend anymore time here than I must contractually spend.

I was meant to finish my contract on September 2nd and HAPPILY return home. However, we have been extended through December 5th. The silver lining in this situation is the fact that I will finally be able to visit Australia and New Zealand. The hard part is that I have already had to turn down / missed the opportunity for two projects with fantastic creative teams. I resolve to remain positive about these additional three months, yet my heart is longing for home more than I can adequately express through words. No, this would require you to see me running amok like a stone-throwing anarchist.

I am very much looking forward to August when I will be joined by a special guest for a week of cruising debauchery. This man is a brilliant writer and I may be planning to tie him to a chair at my desk and make sure that he completes a novel in that time. I jest, of course. Seriously though, you know who you are. Write me a novel!

Time is rushing away and the warm embrace of a sunny day calls my name, so it shall be here that I bid you adieu.

Love wins,
Joey

Hello? Is it me you are looking for?

I do apologize that it has been quite some time since I have posted. I shall be more attentive in the future.

A new post will be coming shortly.

But for now, 'til then...

Whether or Not

I stand and I look right at you, thoughts running through my head. How I thought you were my best friend, but now it's different. Nobody could have planned it, but still you went on right through, broke the trust that I had in you.

Whether or not you know it. Whether or not I show it. I can't forget and I won't forgive, but I travel along. I know you never meant to hurt me, and it's easy to say that we'll be okay. Cause now, I've seen you laugh, you've seen me smile. We joke around, when all the while, I'm just falling deeper.

Whether or not you know it. Whether or not I show it. I can't forget and I won't forgive, but I travel along giving you that thought that I moved on. I don't want to lose you, but this is the truth.

I stand and I look at you two. I see why you both work out. He's yours without a doubt. I wish that I could play that role, be the one to share your joy with, but I'm still with these feelings I can't control.

Whether or not you know it. Whether or not I show it. I can't forget and I won't forgive, but I travel on giving you that thought...

But I've not moved on.

Message Received

I am a bit of a romantic. Okay, okay, when I say "a bit," I mean I am a hopeless, bright-eyed, often-times naive romantic. This trait has paved the way for some major love mishaps. In fact, a teeny bopper rom-com could be written around these mishaps. That being said, let the cameras roll.

I received a text message recently that was not intended for my eyes. Actually, I can't prove that it wasn't meant for me, only hope. It detailed what a predicament the sender was in after the time that I had spent with sender. It then continued to say that sender did not know how to "get rid" of me. I also received a new name: "busted mistake." I was unaware that I had applied for a new name, but that choice does have a certain ring to it. Is that Hebrew? It might sound better in French: "faute bousillée," or "erreur éclatée." Screw it, just call me "BM." I can't win.

After my initial shock, I thought about the events leading up to this message, the textapades, if you will. I had asked the sender in previous messages to let me know the moment that he/she felt that he/she couldn't carry on a "textlationship." In other words, I gave the sender an easy out. However, the sender replied that everything was fine and I needn't worry about it. Well that is fantastic! I was given proof that I need not be worried about overstaying my digital welcome and could rest peacefully in knowing that the messages would continue. The messages did not continue until the message that I wasn't even supposed to see.

I'm not losing sleep over this mishap, nor am I even going to do anything to retaliate against the sender. At this point, what good would that do? It might make me feel like I've defended my honor, but it would only last a fleeting moment. No, no, I'll just chalk this one up to yet another backfire in the horribly damaged shotgun that is my quasi-love life.

My only advice to you, my readers, would be to be honest with everyone you know. You can save people a lot of hurt later down the road by taking ownership for your feelings and theirs as well. It might not be the easiest thing to do at the time, but wouldn't you want someone to do that for you?

To the sender, although I highly doubt you're reading this, let me just say...your message was received loud and clear.

NYC LGBT Youth Vigil

Click on the thumbnail above to see the whole album.

Last night in Washington Square Park in New York City, thousands gathered to let LGBT youth know that they are loved. There has been a rise in suicides among teens who have been bullied excessively because they are or have been labeled as gay or lesbian. Governor Patterson was there with us in the cold rain and let us know that he is standing with us to get anti-bullying laws to include LGBT youth. Cheyenne Jackson closed out the vigil by leading the crowd in a heartfelt version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."