The Magic of Ezra Miller

I implore you to read the following interview with Ezra Miller for Playboy magazine. He is unabashedly queer, heartbreakingly honest, and incredibly thought provoking. What he has to say has just rocked my world. Enjoy, beauties!


“The Magic of Ezra Miller”

He’s Back, Folks!

It seems like only yesterday that I started this collection of experiences and musings, and yet it feels like a lifetime since I’ve posted.  I cannot promise a weekly post, but I will do my best to have one at least biweekly.

So much has happened in all areas of my life since I fell of the blogging train.  Please bear with me as I attempt to provide you with an abridged life update.

For the past two years, I have been working in Branson, Missouri.  People call it “The Vegas of The Midwest.”  It is actually a lot like Vegas in the fact that what happens there should definitely stay there.  I was fortunate enough to work with and become close with many incredible souls, and for that I will be forever grateful for my time there.  Perhaps I will write a more in depth post about actually living in Branson, but perhaps I will not.  You’ll just have to keep checking back!  I’m sure you’re just beside yourself with excitement!  What happened next?  Ah, yes.  I left Branson.

I have been itching to return to performing on the high seas for quite some time, and that time has finally arrived.  I’m currently in Tampa, FL, rehearsing for a contract with Norwegian Cruise Line.  I will be sailing aboard The Dawn in The Caribbean, Canada, and New England for six months.  I’m feeling very grateful for this experience with a new company!  I am a Singer/Dancer in a cast of 12 and they are just lovely people! We have learned our Welcome Aboard show, some other dances that we’ll do around the ship on various nights throughout the cruise, and our first full production show so far.  We are currently in the middle of learning our second production show.

I’m very sore from dancing for 8 hours six days a week, but I’m loving every bit of it!

More details to come, so please check back in every once in awhile!

It’s our day off, so I’m going to get a start on my laundry and catch up on my stories.  I hope that you have a wonderful day, wherever you are.  Be well, beauties!

Sometimes I Write Poems

familiarity - a façade of possibility

attention misdirected - the day to day

longing - a wool coat and i’m sweating

forward - letters to What May Have Been Lane

shifting, growing, losing, trying, crying, fighting, hoping

wanting, drowning, smiling, laughing, rising, falling, coping

envy like ivy ensnares well-meaning intent

absolute uncertainty, the mask i present

soaked by the rain of lukewarm affection

i’m sinking and screaming with little to no mention

shifting, growing, trying, losing, fighting, crying, coping

drowning, wanting, smiling, laughing, rising, falling, hoping

time is a healer again and again

time is a healer again and again

time is a healer again and again

how many times until time is the end

trying, losing, fighting, crying, drowning, falling…

coping

coping

coping

To Those Experiencing Life

"The truth is, everything you’re afraid of is going to happen to you. You’ll be poor. You’ll get dumped. You’ll lose someone you love. You’ll be ridiculous. You’ll make mistakes. Oh yes, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll make so many mistakes!!! Sometimes you’ll feel completely lost.
But whatever happens, you’ll always have yourself.
Your sense of humor, your crazy theories, your love for life, your curiosity about others. Your ever-changing vision of the world — all of these things will stay intact.
And you’ll realize that right when you think you’re going to fall into pieces and crash on the floor, that there will be loving arms there to catch you, and whether that support comes from close friends or strangers, they will be there. Learn to recognize it, and give yourself over to those loving arms.  Learn to let go and give yourself over to loving arms. Learn to see the magic of existence.
Learn to follow all those invisible threads that you’ll weave together just by being yourself, always progressing toward more light, more acceptance, and more truth.
You also need to know that you will be loved, and you will be successful. And all those difficult moments that came before will protect you from being afraid. Stop worrying. You’re going to see the world, and meet people, and learn to love them. You’ll learn tenderness. Toward others, and toward yourself. You won’t be so afraid anymore. Don’t be so afraid, sweetheart."

GARANCE DORÉ

"You must be willing to change. You must be willing to break the deal you made with the devils within. You must be willing to leave the past and not be tempted to rebound when times are tough.
You must be willing to let go of everything and anyone that takes you back to your sins. You must be willing to have hope. You must be willing to have hope that you can change and that you will and that you will be better.
You must believe you are worthy of change and you are worthy of improvement and you are worthy of being the best.
You must be willing to set aside your negative notions about life, about hardships, about people, about things, about yourself. You must be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself while looking at the world move around you.
Get up and make something of yourself."

JACK BARAKAT

"Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes.
Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. 
You’re doing just fine."

charlotte ericksson

be well, beauties.

The Unbearable Heaviness of Giving an F...

*WARNING:  There is some colorful language ahead.  If swearing offends you, well...fuck off.  I kid!  I kid!  Seriously though, I will be dropping some f-bombs.*

I have spent almost my whole life– 31 years–  caring far too much about offending people, worrying if I’m cool enough for them, or asking myself if they are judging me.

I can’t take it anymore. It’s stupid, and it’s not good for my well being. It has made me a punching bag–  a flighty, nervous wuss. But worse than that, it has made me someone who doesn’t take a stand for anything. It has made me someone who stood in the middle, far too often, and not where I cared to stand, for fear of alienating others. No more. Not today.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, is different.

We’re going to talk about the cure. We’re going to talk about what’s necessary. We’re going to talk about the truth.

Do you wonder if someone is talking shit about you? Whether your friends will approve? Have you become conflict-avoidant? Spineless?

Well, it’s time you started not giving a fuck.

FACT NUMBER 1. People are judging you right now.

Yes, it’s really happening right at this moment. Some people don’t like you, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. No amount of coercion, toadying, or pandering to their interests will help. In fact, the opposite is often true; the more you stand for something, the more they respect you, whether it’s grudgingly or not.

What people truly respect is when you draw the line and say “you will go no further.” They may not like this behavior, but so what? These are people who don’t like you anyway, why should you attempt to please people who don’t care for you in the first place?

Right. Then, there’s Internet trolls. That’s a whole other thing.

Regular people are fine– you don’t actually hear it when they’re talking behind your back. But on the web, you do see it, which changes the dynamic drastically. They have an impact because they know you have your vanity searches, etc. But the real problem with Internet haters is that they confirm your paranoid delusion that everyone out there secretly hates you.

Thankfully, that’s not actually true. So the first noble truth is that most people don’t even care that you’re alive. Embrace this, my friends, for it is true freedom. The world is vast and you are small, and therefore you may do as you wish and cast your thoughts of those who dislike it to the side.

FACT NUMBER 2. You don’t need everyone to like you.

This stuff is crazy, I know, but it’s cool, you’ll get used to it. Here’s the next thing: not only do most people not know that you exist, and some are judging you, but it totally does not matter even if they are.

How liberating this is may not even hit you yet, but it will. Check this out: when people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. The world does not end. You don’t feel them breathing down your neck. In fact, the more you ignore them and just go about your business, the better off you are.

You know when they (yes, the proverbial "them") say “the best revenge is a life well lived”? Well, this is true, but it isn’t the whole truth. A life well lived is great, yes, but it cannot happen while you are sweating about who your detractors are and what they think. What you have to do, what you have no choice but to do, is accept it and move on.

So not giving a fuck is actually a necessary precedent to create a good life for yourself. It can’t happen without it. That’s why you have to begin today.

FACT NUMBER 3. It’s your people that matter.

Ok, so you’ve adjusted to the fact that most people in the world are barely aware of your existence, and you’re also conscious of the fact that those who don’t like you are in the obscenely small minority and don’t actually matter. Awesome. Next you need to realize that the people who do care about you, and no one else, are those you need to focus on.

Relationships are weird. Once we’re in one (with family, a spouse, whatever), we promptly begin to take the other person for granted and move on to impressing strangers instead– say, our boss. Then, once we’ve impressed our boss, we start taking him for granted too, and so on, in an endless cycle of apathy. It’s like we always prefer to impress and charm the new than to work on what we already have.

But these people– your champions– they understand your quest or your cause. They make you feel good when you’re around them, make you laugh or make you feel like you can just be yourself. They make you feel relaxed or at ease. You’ve shared things with them. They’re important. Focus on them instead.

FACT NUMBER 4. Those who don’t give a fuck change the world. The rest do not.

So I’m reading this horrible book right now by Stephen King called the Long Walk. It’s a contest where people walk without sleeping or resting, and if they do stop, they are killed. (That’s actually every Stephen King book– “there’s a clown, but it kills!” “There’s a car, but it kills!” etc.)

I suspect this book is a metaphor for war, but it also captures perseverance very well. What it takes to move past anything is to simply realize that your obstacle is unimportant, and that it can be dismissed. This is true whether you’re running a marathon or trying to get to Mars.

If you dismiss the things that do not matter; if you remove those things from your mind and focus on what must be done; if you understand that your time is limited and decide to work now; only then will you be able to get to the finish line. Otherwise, you will be dissuaded into living a life you aren’t interested in.

Side note: You need to handle failure and obscurity better. You may be in a tough place right now where you feel lonely or like a loser. No worries, we’ve all been there. But it’s time for you to realize how common these things are, and that they’re experienced by even the most successful and happiest people in the world. Those people get past them, and you will too.

The eye is watching

You want to know something? This actually has nothing to do with anyone else. It has everything to do with you.

Everyone has an internetal eye. It always watching. It has been slowly constructed by society at large and by your friends and family, and it checks you for unacceptable behavior. If you have had it around for long enough, you actually start to believe that the eye is you, and that you’re “being reasonable” or some other rationalization.

But the eye isn’t you at all.  It is a prison, and you have justified its existence by obeying it. It’s strong because you let it be strong.

But the secret, the part that’s amazing, is that it can’t do anything to stop you, even if it wanted to. It’s an eye. It can only watch. The rest of you is free to act as you wish.

How to get back your self-respect in three easy steps

STEP 1. Accept, or deal with, awkwardness.

It’s widely known that interviewers get their best material by being quiet and allowing silence to force words out of a politician or celebrity.

You may be uncomfortable with silence. I know I still am. But I have been working on it and have to say that it is a much more serene state to be in than trying to cover it up with random babbling just to fill up the air. This is one type of awkwardness, a kind that you should feel comfortable about and learn to live with.

Another kind of social awkwardness is this in-between space where you might have done something wrong or been wronged, but don’t say anything. I’ve been given a few harsh lessons in my time and come away realizing that the freedom that comes from talking about an uncomfortable truth is better than the comfort of avoiding that talk altogether.  This is much better than awkwardness. It’s clear, it’s not passive aggressive, and you know where you stand. Start doing this immediately.

STEP 2. Tell the truth.

You don’t need to be an asshole, but the world does not need another conflict-avoidant, evasive person. No one wants another individual who steps in line with everyone else. The status quo is doing fine without you, so it’s up to you to call bullshit if you see it.

Don’t mind-read either. Telling the truth means seeing the truth, not adding your own layer of sugar coating or suspected emotion on top of it.

STEP 3. Begin your new life.

This step can’t happen without the others, but once you’ve gotten here, you can safely begin to explore a whole new world– one where anything you do is fine as long as it isn’t seriously hurting anyone else. Wanna explore old abandoned buildings? No problem, as long as you’re ready to live with the consequences. Feel like hanging from hooks or getting whipped by a dominatrix? Go ahead, but be safe about it.

Once you begin on this path, you start to discover that practically everyone is capable of understanding the weird things that you do. In fact, it makes you interesting and worth paying attention to, further feeding into your plans of world domination, should you have any.

But none of this fun can happen without you recognizing, and walking past, the eye. Doing this is a powerful act of control which builds momentum and makes you strong.

Take back your self respect. Do it today– try it right now. Wear something ugly. Do something stupid. Tell someone the truth.

It doesn’t fucking matter.

Oh yeah, one more thing.  Be well, beauties.

"It's a Wonderful Feeling…"

‘Tis the season, folks!  I know, I know.  It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, but I have been in full Christmas spirit since the beginning of November.  I realize that many of you out there are not so keen on the holly and the ivy just yet, but this is my blog and I shall do what I want.  All of that to say that I hope this finds you in festive spirits, surrounded by those near and dear to your hearts.

In shortly over a week I am heading back to Los Angeles to begin rehearsal for the Nieuw Amsterdam.  Yes, that is a cruise ship, and yes, I have been on it before.  It was, by far, my favorite contract to date and I am very excited to return.  (Sidenote:  there are people from all of my previous contracts that I love very much.  The Nieuw A was the best due to the combination of shows, cast, and itinerary.  Also, it is simply my personal opinion.)  The itinerary for the ship will be a bit different this time.  We will be starting in the Caribbean before crossing the Atlantic to the beautiful Mediterranean, where we will enjoy several overnights in ports such as:  Barcelona, Venice, and Istanbul.  Buh-leh-sing!  I will update you on the full itinerary in a later post.  Let me just say that these ports of call are fantastic!  If anyone is interested in taking a free cruise, do let me know.  You just have to cover your airfare to Europe.  E-mail me for more information:  j_kuba@yahoo.com.

Before all of that excitement, I will be in L.A. for six weeks of intense rehearsing.  I do have the added benefit of knowing all of the shows, but a brush-up never hurt anyone, right?  I am very much looking forward to this time of reunions and, after the past few weeks, activity.

What are you up to?  Tell me everything, darlings!

I will post more about rehearsal and my time in LaLa Land as it happens.  (I know, you’ve heard that before.)  Okay, I cannot promise that it will be timely, but I promise that it will happen…eventually.

 For now, take care of yourselves.  Enjoy all the joy and blessings of twerking your turkeys while having a kiki with your loved ones.

Muah!

Making Over the Soul

makeup, n. cosmetics such as lipstick or powder applied to the face, used to enhance or alter the appearance.

I begin each day by putting on makeup.  If you have ever met me, or seen me up close, you will know that I do not actually wear lipstick, blush, eyeshadow, or mascara.  I do, however, wear many layers of what I call, emotional makeup.

I start with a solid foundation of confidence.  I believe it is best to choose a shade of confidence that is not much deeper than the shade that you naturally possess.  I do not want to put forth an air of complete confidence, for what if someone were to challenge it too harshly?  It is only cosmetic after all.  My goal is to establish that I have an adequate amount of confidence.  No more, and certainly no less.

The next step is the application of optimism on my eyelids.  This is done so that when people look at my eyes, they see a glimmer of hope.  I have deeply-set eyes, so there is not a lot of room for the eyeshadow, but it is the most important step in the emotional beautification process.  I fancy myself as an optimist, but there are days when the belief that good will ultimately triumph over evil seems to have set sail, slowly drifting away over the horizon.  On days such as these I apply two different shades, one for the hope in the present, and one for the hope in my future.  If it is a particularly wonderful day, I may add a layer of shimmery bliss.

The lips can be quite difficult.  I adorn my lips with a subtle shade of kindness.  I find myself having to reapply this kindness many, many, many times throughout the day.  There are the obvious culprits, eating and drinking, who slowly remove the color, but there are other factors that contribute to the demise of kindness.  The world we find ourselves living in can be anything but kind, so I find it paramount to keep an extra tube of kindness on your person at all times.  There are many times when it is difficult to reach or the moment is simply inopportune, but I put more on as soon as I can.  I am working on my own brand of kindness that acts more like a lipstain.

I conclude my emotional alteration by applying a layer of finishing powder known more commonly as empathy.  I am sure you have heard the saying, “Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.”  Boy, I wish that were an actual practice in our society.  Could you imagine having to physically put on someone’s shoes and walk a mile of their life for them?  How many grudges would never be held?  How many feuds would never ignite?

I am not saying or admitting that I am not the person I purport to be.  For when people use actual cosmetics, they are still themselves…just enhanced.  The attributes, skills, talents, and capacities for confidence, optimism, kindness, and empathy are already on my face.  I simply enhance them in order to shine brighter in this often arduous and unjust world.  I also just want to be pretty, but I digress.

What is the reason for this nonsensical journey through the Mac counter of the soul?  At a very base level, people should focus more on their emotional appearance.  We are incredibly complex creatures, often wonderful and even magical.  However, all of that wonder and magic are too quickly stripped away by war, greed, jealousy, insensitivity, and self-loathing.  The time to paint your soul is now.  Let us stand together in a united front of beauty, justice, hope, strength, compassion, and joy.

Maybe you’re born with it…maybe it’s Maybelline.